It’s not a secret that I’ve been going through bad times the last few months; this is why I decided to start blogging in the first place.
I worked on myself; I got some help. And I’m feeling much better about my life overall; the upside is that I am more aware of what’s happening in my brain and around me. Noticing patterns and behaviours more clearly. The downside is that I have noticed some things about my way of thinking and how my brain works in general, and it’s bad.
My brain is addicted to pain! Whenever I feel happy, I try to go to that place of suffering or talk to the people that are not good for my mental health. I find something to be sad about. If I’m feeling calm and happy for weeks I find it suspicious. My brain works against me; it’s my enemy in a sense. And this scares the shit out of me. How can I win my battle against it? Should I give up and let it take full control of my life.
The stability that I can build, the happiness that I can achieve, all the effort that I am making to keep things under control and get to a better place. All of it can crumble within an incredibly small amount of time, in fractions of seconds when or if I make a bad decision.
I can choose to give up and stop working on myself to become a better and a more resilient person. I can also not give up, but that means acknowledging that the battle might never end, and that’s scary and difficult to accept.
If you’re in the middle of a desert, it’s too hot, water is scarce, and sand is getting in your eyes preventing you from seeing where you’re going. Do you still have a chance to survive and reach your destination? Is there even a destination to reach?
Not sure if I’ll ever get the answers to my questions. What I’m sure is that I cannot do it alone, none of us can do it alone. And I am grateful that I have a great support network and amazing friends who are here for me. And I will never thank them enough for being there for me.
So maybe it is a house of cards, but I will try my best to keep it from crumbling.
Don’t be scared; we all are.