The Masquerade

Why this? Why now? Why me?
I know the answers to the first two questions, but unfortunately, I don’t know the answer to the third one.

I’ve never been much a writer, my thing is thinking; I’m good with words when they don’t leave my head. Plus, I don’t have the discipline that writing requires nor the vocabulary. So don’t expect this blog to be a piece of crafty and inspired writing. I don’t want this to be sophisticated; I want it to be authentic.

It’s been more than a year that I’ve been feeling down. With severe anxiety and feelings of sadness, I lost my ability to focus on the task at hand. I don’t know if it’s depression, I don’t know if it’s some existential crisis, what I know is that it can be a turning point in my life and how I perceive things, so I’m giving this crisis enough space to exist.

I wanted to start this little experiment, a blog because I’m feeling like I’m losing myself. That I don’t know what I am doing. Why am I here, and where am I headed to. I was always the type of person who knew what they wanted and what they had to do to get it. The feeling of uncertainty is eating me up inside.

I want to write my heart out. I want to write until I find myself. Writing might heal my imaginary wounds. Maybe I can put words on them, and the pain would magically disappear. I need to speak up, and maybe this will help others make their voice heard. I tried to fit in with different societies (two in total), and in the process, I forgot that I needed to fit in with my own world and follow my own path. I forgot my dreams. But are they still the same? Or do I need to create new ones?

I considered writing anonymously, so I can still appear to be the person in control of every aspect of their life. But I feel the urge to drop the mask, to tell people about my thoughts and opinions. I want readers to associate them with me. I feel that urge the same way a sinner feels the urge to confess. Maybe this is all about feeling accepted.

However, this urge is -unsurprisingly- accompanied by fear; I am terrified by the idea of my family, friends and coworkers reading this. This fear is so irrational considering the content of this post. I wonder at which point in my life I lost the ability to tell people that I’m confused and that I’m no longer in control. Or maybe I’ve never had that ability in the first place.

This is about a journey of self-discovery, about my life, about life! Some posts will be light-hearted, some will be just neutral opinion pieces, and some will be controversial or sad. I don’t know really; I’m assuming that it would be the case because I am complex, and so are you.

Read your heart out, and don’t forget to write back.

5 Replies on “The Masquerade

  1. Well, you challenged me to find it and I found it. :p You may not realise it, but you do have skill in putting words on a page. Because something that is authentic and from the heart and soul of ones self is always going to be great. I’m proud of you for doing this 😀

  2. Waw, I thought I am the only one has depression in NZ.
    I was fine I was controlling life but when I arrived to nz I lost control and everything was hard all doos are closed.
    That time I did not believe in those things, but with time I am noticing it’s a common thing here.

    My question is did we pass that or we still inside that shell?

  3. I second Wael.
    Ive always had issues! Multifaceted and complicated good and not so good, but until I came to NZ I felt a higher level of depression that resides here. I had big dreams of opening a support group for children dealing with depression and anxiety called “Tell Me About It” but instead I’m the one dealing with debilitating anxiety and its left me feeling ashamed, It’s made me question myself. Im now constantly questioning my sanity and that scares me.

    Thank you for sharing this blog.

    1. Hi Sybella, thank you for sharing your experience. You shouldn’t be ashamed for having feelings and struggling, we’re all humans and go through this. You are not alone, I have constant physical pain from anxiety these days. And please don’t give up on your dream! For your sake and for all of the people out there who need that support group.

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